Empathy and Connection for Start-ups: an interview with Selfless.ly

Zach Rodenbarger (left) and Joshua Driver (right), co-founders of Selfless.ly

How can you build empathy into your start-up?  Josh Driver and Zach Rodenbarger from Selfless.ly share how they sustained connection and built their company during the dual pressures of start-up life and a bruising global pandemic. 

You will hear about the importance of taking a walk, how “hangry” can get in the way of communication, and why Nerf guns could be a good idea for your office culture. 

You can find the Handle with Care: Empathy at Work podcast on Google Play, Apple Podcasts, and Spotify

Here are three key takeaways from my conversation with Josh and Zach…

1. Fun matters.  From Nerf guns to dilly bar deliveries, introducing a little bit of levity, especially in tense and freighted situations, can be a game changer.  Where can you build some fun and some laughter into your office life?

2. There is power in taking a break and thinking the best of the other person.  You heard these two threads throughout the interview:  in offering a break or a walk to the other person, hoping and trusting that their moment of overwhelm is not their truest or best self.  This attention to the emotional temperature of a given situation is so important.  And I use it often in both my personal and professional interactions. 

3. One way that people can move through their own disruption and overwhelm is by giving back to others.  The act of moving beyond the constraints of your own situation, doing something positive for someone else, has all sorts of positive effects on the health of individuals and organizations.  If what you have heard today piques your interest, I encourage you to look up the good work that is going on at Sefless.ly.  More information about Zach, Josh, and the company can be found below. 

Lead Like a Human: an interview with Adam Weber

Adam Weber, SVP of Community at 15five

“Chief (stop treating humans like resources) Officer”. This is the tagline for the new ad campaign at 15five where Adam Weber is the Head of Culture. 

And this radical attention to leading other humans like a human is what we are talking about today.  Here are a few of the great topics we cover:  How can you equip newly-minted managers with the necessary people skills to succeed?  How does empathy help during conflict?  And how did early mistakes shape Adam’s career? 

You can find the Handle with Care: Empathy at Work podcast on Google Play, Spotify, and Apple Podcasts.

For more information on Lead Like a Human, see the link below

Here are three key takeaways from my conversation with Adam…

1.  Leaders, are you aware of and coping with your stress in a healthy way?  Adam talked about how some of his early missteps happened when he was under tremendous stress that he then pushed out onto his people.  Is this happening to you?  Maybe that is through a gratitude walk or writing your feelings down in cursive or taking some purposeful grounding time.

2. Empathy is especially important in times of conflict…which is where it is most likely to go out the window!  Adam found that just giving people the time to talk and express their feelings was really powerful, it made them feel heard and moved the conversation much closer to its eventual resolution

3. So many employees get promoted to management positions without being trained or prepared for what it means to manage and care for people.  They are internalizing stress from above and from their own expectations and that often derails their leadership efforts.  How are your training your managers?  Are you giving them the skills they need to really connect on a human level with the people they are leading:  with their hopes, apprehensions, and challenges?   

To See It, Be It: an interview with Max Yoder

Leading with empathy and compassion takes intention…and Max Yoder, CEO of Lessonly, has put in the work. 

He shares how leaders can increase their human skills.  Max talks about the work of self-acceptance (and how it differs from approval), why reciprocal thinking is a race to the bottom, how unrelenting expectations-of-self keep him from connecting, and why emotional liberation was the most important lesson that he learned while leading at Lessonly.   

You can find the Handle with Care: Empathy at Work podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and Google Play.

Max and Marnie

Here are three key takeaways from my conversation with Max and I have to confess, there were definitely more than three valuable takeaways, but I have narrowed it down to these three…

1. Where are you in the spectrum of people pleasing?  Max talked about emotional slavery (feeling responsible for the emotions of others), and emotional disavowal (rejecting the emotions of others), and the third path of emotional liberation:  being able to acknowledge the emotions of others without being ruled by them.  Where are you find yourself most often ending up?

2. Remember, there is always a third person or situation in each interaction:  a relational triangle. People bring their previous experiences, their wounding, their successes, and their home life to a given situation.  It is important to acknowledge this reality because it helps us to contextualize situations. 

3. Max encouraged listeners to ask the question, “What are my values?” and then to take a good look at the organization that they are a part of.  If you organization is acting, consistently, against your values, there is a cost.  And maybe it is time to leave. 

Human Skills are Business Skills: an interview with Joe Staples

Human skills ARE business skills.  You cannot create lasting, high-performing teams without paying attention to and caring for the actual humans on your team.

This is something that my guest, Joe Staples, has seen again and again in his years of work. We are going to talk about tips and tactics to build connection (hint:nothing brings people together like food), how walking a mile, literally, in someone else’s role can build empathy, and why a group softball game was one of Joe’s biggest misses in team building. You will hear stories of high school bullies and reflections on the changing expectations of generations in the workplace.

You can find the Handle with Care: Empathy at Work podcast on Google Play, Apple Podcasts, and Spotify. And you can listen to the episode here:

Joe and his grandchildren at the family cabin

Here are three key takeaways from my conversation with Joe…

1. Be purposeful and inclusive with the sort of team-building activities that you choose.  Softball lets people feeling “out” while eating together truly brought people together.  Joe made a point to create connection over a shared meal, both with his teammates and also with new hires through monthly lunches.  How can food or a similarly inclusive activity bring your people together?

2. What are you doing to “skill-up” your human skills?  Does this desire show up in what you are reading or thinking about in the course of a given month?  Joe is a lifelong learner, when he had a chance to read or engage in personal development, he was consistently choosing books and degree programs that emphasized understanding the person, because he found that this was the capacity that differentiated true leaders within the workplace. 

3. What is your long-term goal at work?  Are your metrics of success comprised mostly of financial goals or power designations?  Joe talked about his father, who cared deeply about connection and had business friendships that stretched over 50 years.  This has shaped his own trajectory and goal.  So here is his question, as a closing thought, will you be the person that, 15 years from now, somebody looks back and says, and “I loved it at that company because I worked with her or because she managed me?” 

An Awakening: Embodied Empathy for Leaders. An Interview with Tegan Trovato

Today, I talk with Executive Coach Tegan Trovato about the awakening that is happening in the workforce as a result of COVID, change, and choice.  How workers are choosing jobs based on values and what top leaders are doing to welcome and nurture the whole person at work. 

We talk about personalizing empathy, why this change is good for your workplace, and how the question, “what did you do to support your people during COVID?” will mark your company for years to come. 

You can find the Handle with Care: Empathy at Work podcast on Google Play, Apple Podcasts, and Spotify. And you can listen to the episode here…

Tegan Trovato, Founder of Bright Arrow Coaching

Here are three key takeaways from my conversation with Tegan…

1. I love the positive vision that Tegan cast for what this time can be.  Yes, it has been a rough go and a time of tremendous, shared suffering.  And yet, this time can, conversely, provide an opportunity for connection, trust, and vulnerability like never before.  Are you viewing the call to connection primarily as a burden or as an opportunity?

2. As leaders and team members, it is important to tap into our own personalization of empathy.  When is a time that you have needed extra support?  That you have felt weak or in need of care?  Considering these experiences can allow you more space to imagine what it could be like for another person.  And while we will never, 100% “get” what it is like for someone else, this consideration can move us forward in empathy

3. How you care for people now will mark your organization moving forwards.  I think it is such an insightful, true point.  Prospective employees, in years to come, will ask what you did and how you cared for your people during a year and a half of tremendous disruption.  As you think about your current practices and procedures, would you be happy and proud to talk about them in coming years? 

The Pulse of Your People: Optimizing Workplace Support During Crisis and COVID. An Interview with Nick Smarrelli

If you don’t understand your people, what motivates them, what scares them, and what they need in order to stay engaged in the midst of an incredibly challenging work season, you aren’t leading well. 

As Nick Smarrelli, CEO of GadellNet Consulting declares, “It is a people game” and “Psychology always wins”.  Nick shares tips and tactics on how to motivate and get the pulse of your people during crisis and COVID in our conversation.

You can find the Handle with Care: Empathy at Work podcast on Google Play, Apple Podcasts, and Spotify. And you can listen to the interview here…

Nick Smarrelli, CEO of GadellNet Consulting

Here are three key take-aways from my conversation with Nick…

1. As a leader, you need to be consistently making time to get the pulse of your people.  Pre-pandemic, Nick said that he spent about 5% of his time checking in.  Now, the number is closer to 40% of his time.  These check-ins inform GadellNet’s decisions about pivotal work moments like when to ask people to go back to the office.  How much time are you setting aside to purposefully get the pulse of your people. 

2. “Psychology always wins”.  I love and deeply resonate with this line from Nick.  The way that we train people often doesn’t align with this reality, that leaders spend most of their time managing people.  A knowledge, an interest in the inner workings of your people will allow you to hire the best talent, to motivate your staff, and to troubleshoot problems as they come along.  Is a deep knowledge of people, of their psychology, a value in your organization?  How much is this awareness present or absent in your leadership team?

3. There is a particular stress that leaders feel at all times, but especially within the dimensions of a global pandemic.  In the midst of these pressures, Nick shares with vulnerability with his team, but he has also found it to be immensely helpful to have an external group that “gets” and understands what he is going through as an executive and can support him along the way.  Do you have a group of people that you can be real with and that can help you as you lead? 

We Are Humans First: Empathy and International Teams. An Interview with Jorge Alejandro Vargas

“At the end of the day, work is important and it matters. But it is work.  And we are humans and we are people.  We are sadness and we are joy…and that has a huge influence on our work.”

Jorge Alejandro Vargas manages teams around the world for the Wikimedia Foundation.  His success as a leader (and the raving support of his team) testify to the importance of bringing emotions into work.

In today’s episode, he shares about

1. Tips to effectively engage multi-national teams during the stressors of a global pandemic 

2. What leaders must become more self-aware of their emotional world

3. Why apologizing and making repairs is the mark of a great leader

You can find the Handle with Care: Empathy at Work podcast on Google Play, Apple Podcasts, and Spotify. And you can listen to the interview here:

Jorge Alejandro Vargas, Wikimedia Foundation

Here are three key takeaways from my conversation with Jorge…

1. In order to fully engage in empathy and support, it is important to know how you are feeling in a given moment and interaction.  Jorge described the process of pausing to really acknowledge his own emotions, his willingness to share his emotional moment with others, and the work of counseling and introspection that it took to get him to that point of self-awareness.  How aware are you of your emotional state in the course of a given day?

2. Grief, sadness, joy, positivity.  Jorge has experienced a range of emotions across cultures and, as he said, there is no “one-size fits all” solution to how people experience grief.  This leads to the importance of radical attention, cultural attunement, and the importance of checking in with those that you work with and manage.  

3. Good leaders go back to make repairs, they apologize, they interrogate their experience and develop the gut instinct that Jorge talked about, the one that reminds them to prioritize the person instead of their own ego.  When was the last time you apologized?  Has it been a while?  It might not be that you are always acting excellently.  If you haven’t apologized in a while, it could be an invitation to deeper self-awareness. 

Season 2: How to Mainstream Mindfulness and Operationalize Compassion. An interview with Scott Shute

Welcome to Season 2 of the Handle with Care: Empathy at Work podcast!

Empathy matters.  It isn’t just some squishy personality trait, it is a set of skills and a capacity for connection that you can develop, if you have the desire.  And that is what Season 2 is all about.  I am going to introduce you, in each episode, to a leader that is purposefully building connection and engagement at work.  They will share best practices, the ways that have grown and their occasional failures. 

My guest today is Scott Shute.  Scott is the Head of Mindfulness and Compassion at LinkedIn, which is this great role that sits at the intersection of ancient wisdom traditions and a technology company.  He is also an avid photographer, a musician, and, most recently, a published author. 

His book, “The Full Body Yes” launched in the middle of May.  His mission is to change work from the inside out by “mainstreaming mindfulness” and “operationalizing compassion.”

You can find the Handle with Care: Empathy at Work podcast on Google Play, Apple Podcasts, and Spotify. And you can listen to our conversation here…

Scott is also an avid photographer; you can find more of his images on his website (linked below)

Here are three key takeaways from my conversation with Scott…

1. Practice micro-compassions today.  Asking a colleague about their life outside of work, connecting with a smile or small talk.  These moments of connection are incredibly powerful. 

2. Compassion is a competitive advantage for companies, especially in today’s knowledge economy where people have options and are, as Scott noted, voting with their feet.  What are you doing to create a culture where compassion, this empathy-in-action, is given and received regularly?

3. I like how Scott broke down what compassion looks like at work.  He described it as “How should I act at work if my grandma or if someone that I loved most in the world worked here?”  This is a good guiding sentiment for the day. 

Lament: Embracing Pain on the Path to Healing. An Interview with Mark Vroegop

Pain can rob you of language.

And it’s complicated because you have your own hard experiences…which compromises your ability to reach out. 

 This is where the language of lament is so helpful. 

 Mark Vroegop is a leader, pastor, and author.  His book, Dark Clouds, Deep Mercy, is all about lament.  How we don’t have to run from or conceal our pain.  How bravely, brokenly moving into pain is actually the path to healing.   

 Mark tells the story of his personal loss in the death of Sylvia and opens up how the language of lament will help you encounter your own pain as well as the pain in others. 

You can find the Handle with Care: Empathy at Work podcast on Google Play, Spotify, and Apple Podcasts. And you can listen to the episode here…

Here are three key takeaways from my conversation with Mark…

1. I agree with Mark, we all need a competency with grief; it is a key part of leadership and just being human.  Whether it is in our own life or in the lives of those we care about, hard things will come.  A language of lament that willingly looks at and whole-heartedly enters into pain is so essential for healing. If your interest has been piqued by Mark and his work, there is a link to his book in the show notes. 

2. Some griefs cannot be fixed, they can only be carried.  Sometimes silence and presence are the most powerful ways that you can come alongside another person.  Release yourself from the pressure to suddenly have the right thing to say.  Give a hug, bring some cookies.

3. Through your empathy, your compassion, and your care, your can have ripple effects that extend way beyond a single moment.  When you care for someone well, you are co-creating a wider culture of care.  The community that blessed Mark and his family with a trip led Mark to encourage Luke and I to take our children on a trip after the death of our daughter.  Their kindness poured into us in ways that are powerful.  Take heart, you might never know the full effects of your kindness in the life of another person.

Support for Those Struggling with the Disease of Addiction: an interview with Wendy Noe

Wendy Noe, Executive Director of Dove Recovery House

This episode is about the disease of addiction.  There is so much important ground we are going to cover, including why it matters that we call addiction a disease.  Because this wasn’t the language that was used when I was a kid growing up in the “Just Say No” to drugs era. 

And my guest today has a ton to share.  That is because this is Wendy Noe’s work.  She is the Executive Director of the Dove Recovery House in Indianapolis, which is a recognized residential program for women with substance abuse disorders. 

 But Wendy doesn’t just talk with us as a professional who works with women dealing with substance addictions, she talks to us as a woman who has been directly impacted by addiction. She walked with her brother as he spiraled deeper into addiction.  She helped check him into and watched him leave treatment programs and she has really, really good words to offer if you are just feeling at the end of your rope as you try to help someone you love who is grappling with their addiction.

You can find the Handle with Care: Empathy at Work podcast on Google Play, Apple Podcasts, and Spotify. And you can listen to the episode here…

Wendy and her husband

Here are three key takeaways from my conversation with Wendy…

1. Listen and make space for caregivers to share without passing judgment or defaulting to advice.  And this is hard, just in life in general.  It is so easy to try to fix someone or to shut them down as they are expressing their feelings.  Addiction is all too often shrouded in shame and secrecy, and this extends to caregivers as well.  If you know someone who, like Wendy, is supporting someone that is living with addiction, do your best to be a safe person for them to share with. 

2. Wendy was able to talk with women who were recovering addicts, to hear their stories and get their perspective…and this helped her with her brother.  You probably don’t work at a place like the Dove Recovery House, but listening to or reading the perspective of former or current addicts could help you have a more grounded perspective on what it is like for the person you care about to walk with addiction.

3. Many times, people who are struggling with addiction need treatment to combat their addiction.  Wendy talked about the common theme of trauma and how just getting chemicals out of someone’s system is not enough.  And not all addiction treatment programs are created equal. 

4. And I know, we usually only have three take-aways, but I want to add one more. What would it mean for you to consider addiction as a disease?  As I mentioned at the top of the podcast, this was not the paradigm that I grew up with.  Addiction was seen a much more of a choice or a moral failing.  How would this affect how you interact with a loved one or a colleague that is struggling?  How would it affect how you show up with resources and care?

Learn more at the button above

How to Stop Asian Hate and Support our Asian Friends and Colleagues: an interview with Tara VanderWoude

Tara VanderWoude:: speaker, advocate, and social worker, and her husband.

Anti-Asian hate crimes skyrocketed last year.  How do we talk about the painful experience of Asian Americans living in the United States?  What does it mean to create space to hear from and grieve with your Asian friends or coworkers? 

 Tara VanderWoude is a Korean American advocate, social worker, and educator.  She speaks with power, insight, and eloquence about the challenges facing Asian Americans and how you can be a part of the solution, actively combating hate and showing support when it matters most. 

You can find the Handle with Care: Empathy at Work podcast on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, and Spotify. And you can listen to the episode here…

Here are three key take-aways from my conversation with Tara.

1. The Asian American experience is all too often overlooked and under-acknowledged.  How is your language compounding this sense of exclusion?  As you talk about equity in the workplace and in culture, are you remembering to include the marginalization of Asian Americans?  This was a personal take-away for me and I am going to be adjusting my language, moving forwards, to incorporate the Asian experience when I talk about excluded groups. 

2. It really is THAT bad.  If you are a member of a majority White culture, you have probably had the privilege of not thinking about the Asian American experience.  As I listened to Tara, to the MANY stories she had of sexual predation and harassment, to the stories of threat and humiliation that her children have experienced, I realize there is so much going on that I have no idea about…and that is in addition to the awful violence populating our news page.  Tara encouraged us, if you have a social media presence where you talk about things you care about, give voice to this reality.  Help build awareness that Anti-Asian hate is not OK.  I have linked resources in the show notes because remember, the Internet has a TON of helpful resources and you should not make your Asian friend the equivalent of a good Google search. 

3. As a friend or coworker, work to pay radical attention to your Asian friend or colleague as they express feelings of pain. Allow them to express their feelings without forcing them to justify them (like an Interrogating Edward). Send a text, or a Starbucks card. And if you don’t know what to say, that is OK too. You can say something like, “I don’t even know what to say, but I want you to know that I hate this for you and I am here with you.”

Layoffs, Trauma, and Disordered Identity: An Interview with Jon Tesser

Jon Tesser, Career Whisperer

Companies devote resources to hiring the right people:  investing in on-boarding, recruitment, and hiring.  They seldom devote a fraction of the intention to how they let people go.  However, the way that you fire people says as much about your company culture as the way that you hire people. 

How can you fire someone with empathy, easing their transition into the crowded job market? 

Because your processes, the way that you talk about the departing employee (to their face and behind their back) communicate something powerful.  It sends a message to your remaining employees about how you value their labor, which effects on how they engage or disengage from your culture. 

This episode is a rich conversation with Jon Tesser.  It has something for employers and managers:  we talk about how to fire someone with empathy and how to avoid piling on the shame.

There is also something for the many of you who have lost your job:  the trauma of lay-offs,  he emotional PTSD that can occur when you lose your job.  We talk about male expectations, class differences, and how lay-offs can actually make us better, more empathetic people.

You can find the Handle with Care: Empathy at Work podcast on Google Play, Apple Podcasts, and Spotify. And you can listen to the episode here:

Here are three key take-aways from my conversation with Jon

1. Lay-offs are a life trauma for the men and women that are being let go.  As an employer, consider how you can have these conversations with care, eliminating unnecessary shame on top of the transition.  Do you have a clear plan?  A severance package?  As a boss, can you use your network to help someone find their next role?  And, consider this a point 1b.  There is an emotional toll to how you do layoffs.  Jon is a man who wants to be empathetic, but he has found himself less and less willing to give of himself, in a deep way, to his working environment.  Are your policies and practices towards lay-off contributing to this workplace disconnect?  Because it will affect both those that leave as well as those that stay.  And creativity and collaboration can suffer when people are more guarded and less connected at work.  The cost of the trauma is high.

2. Medications can help in the process of coping with loss.  Jon tells how going on anti-depressants was an essential part of navigating his job loss.  You can get more information and resources from your doctor. 

3. “When you go through stuff, you find out who your real friends are.”  Jon found great comfort in relying on those around him.  The friends that invited him over to play with their baby, the friends that were just available to talk.  If you know someone who has been laid off, make that call, send that text or email.  Your support matters.

4. And finally, as a bonus take-away.  Remember, you are not your work.  You are who you are and work is what you do.  This is deep wisdom for all of us.  

E. coli, Cancer, and Cascading Grief: an interview with Jill Harding

Grant Harding, receiving cancer treatment

Sometimes in life, one disruptive life event falls fast on the heels of another.  This can feel especially devastating when the pain affects your children.  And that is what we are going to be talking about today. 

My guest is Jill Harding.  She has parented two children through some really hard stuff.  Her oldest child, Grant, was diagnosed with leukemia and her middle child, Berkley, had a life-threatening bout of E. coli.  You will get a behind the scenes look at the challenges and even joy along the journey and learn how to be a better manager, coworker, or friend to people living through similar situations. 

You can find the Handle with Care: Empathy at Work podcast on Google Play, Spotify, and Apple Podcasts. And you can listen here…

Berkley Harding

Here are three key takeaways from my conversation with Jill…

1. There are many restrictions for an individual living with cancer.  Hearing all of the challenges with just eating (the concerns about leftovers, the need to clean food etc) gave me a deeper appreciation of how tenuous life and infection can be.  With that in mind, learning a little more before giving gifts (like flowers) is important.

2. Consider what creative engagement with a child who is immunocompromised (or battling COVID) looks like.  I loved the story of play dates through a window with walkie talkies (plus there was the added benefit of giving parents a chance to rest).

3. Remember that “Tell me how I can help” oftentimes is an unhelpful question to people who are already living through something hard.  Many times, people don’t know in the moment what they need and they might feel tentative following up with a request afterwards.  Instead, know what you can offer (perhaps a grocery drop-off, a Door Dash certificate, or doing some yard work) and extend a specific offer of help.

The Harding Family

Alcohol, Addiction and Life in Recovery: an interview with Mike Thibideau

Mike Thibideau, Director of Indiana Workforce Recovery

Did you know that employers who are equipped to help their people manage addiction can directly save lives? Individuals who are referred to care via their employer have the highest levels of outcomes at one-year and five-year recovery measures.

 Today, we are talking about addiction:  its roots, the challenge of staying sober, and how workplaces can support their people as they struggle to manage their addictions.  My guest is Mike Thibideau, he is the Director of Indiana Workforce Recovery. 

 But Mike doesn’t just work in recovery.  He is a man in recovery himself:  sober for five years.  In his story, you will find greater insight into the journey towards recovery and helpful tips if you are a manager, coworker, or friend to someone who is dealing with addiction. 

You can find the Handle with Care, Empathy at Work podcast on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, and Spotify. And you can listen to the episode here…

Mike and his daughter, Hazel

Here are three key take-aways from my conversation with Mike

1. Supportive workplaces matter.  Mike talked about the impact of a boss and workplace that let him take the time he needed as he dealt with his addiction.  And I am so glad to learn more about the supports that are available through Indiana Workforce Recovery.  Check out their resources in the show notes.

2. Providing support for caregivers and family members is also important.  Mike talked about how his mom felt unable to share, like her struggle was cloaked in shame and judgment.  Leaders, you are part of creating a safe space where people can talk and receive support, without fear of judgment. 

3. If you are someone that is struggling with addiction, or love someone that is, I want to remind you of the Mike’s closing words.  There is a great life available to live and resources to help you get there.  And as point 3b, you might want to pick up a copy of How to Win Friends and Influence People

Mike also enjoys CosPlay

Miscarriage and Meaning: an Interview with Danielle Ireland

Danielle Ireland: speaker, actress, ballroom dancer, licensed therapist, recovering perfectionist

Miscarriage is sometimes called a silent loss. 

 Women often carry the sorrow in isolation.  And yet, the experience is surprisingly common.  1 in every 8 known pregnancies ends in miscarriage. 

 How can you support a friend or coworker who has lived with this grief?  You can get valuable tips by listening to this episode of the Handle with Care podcast. 

 Danielle Ireland is a speaker, actress, and a licensed therapist and she shares about the miscarriage of her son. Danielle reflects on the importance of empathy, how partners can grieve differently, and why it really bugged her when people kept telling her, “I’m sorry”.

You can find the Handle with Care, Empathy at Work podcast on Google Play, Apple Podcasts, and Spotify. And you can listen to the episode here…

Here are three helpful takeaways from my conversation with Danielle:

1. There is power in sharing your story of loss.  Miscarriage is often a private burden, unseen to a wider world unless the parent chooses to share.  Danielle shared how meaningful it was to have multiple nurses come up to her in the recovery room to share that they too had lost a child in miscarriage.  They spoke words of hope and camaraderie to her in the midst of a very dark time…and gave her confidence to know that her healing journey did not have to be silent.

2. Partners grieve differently.  As her therapist asked her, “Can you allow your partner to experience grief differently than you?”  What does it look like to give the other person space and allowance?  This is deeply resonant with my own experience of walking with my husband through our seasons of parental loss.

3. “I’m sorry” can sometimes sound redundant or abstract to a person suffering.  I often tell people that saying “I’m sorry that is happening to you” can be a really good go-to phrase, but this take-away is a good reminder that there is no one-size fits all approach to comfort.  For Danielle, the “I’m sorry” felt hollow.  Which brings me to the point 3b.  Pay attention to the person you are communicating with.  If they seem like they aren’t responding to your phrase, whether it is “I’m sorry” or something else, file that information away and try something different the next time you interact with them, like “I was thinking of you and how hard this must be.” The best comforters are those that pay attention and are consistently adapting to the person in front of them. 

Lighting the Dark: Cari Hahn on Breast Cancer

Cari Hahn, breast cancer survivor and founder of Karma Candles

1 out of every 8 US women is diagnosed with breast cancer, which means that you probably work with or know an affected woman.

 How employers respond to and support women with breast cancer matters. Do you have policies and support measures in place to support friends and employees for the long-term of recovery, not just in the immediacy of their diagnosis?

 Breast-cancer survivor Cari Hahn shares her story of job loss, struggle, and rebirth after cancer. Her wisdom will help you avoid painful workplace missteps. 

You can find the Handle with Care podcast on Google Play, Apple Podcasts, and Spotify. And you can listen to the episode here:

Recovering

Here are three key takeaways from my conversation with Cari:

1. If you know someone that is living with cancer, resist the urge to tell them all about the people you know that have died of cancer.  Cari heard these statements a lot.  In my trainings, I talk about the empathy avatar of Commiserating Candace, she (or he) always has a sad story to share.  This sharing hijacks the story of the person who is currently suffering.  Don’t be a Commiserating Candace

2. If you are an employer or a manager of someone who is living through cancer, what support systems do you have in place for once the chemo is done?  Cari talked about being well-supported initially, pushing through all of the appointments etc.  But her body was exhausted on the other side and, when she asked for flexibility, her workplace was unwilling to shift.  Do you have policies in place for the long-game, designed to accommodate the aftermath of bodily stress that happens post-treatment?

3. Breast cancer continues to influence the lives of survivors.  There is the stress of wondering if the cancer will manifest again, the bodily exhaustion, and the survivor’s guilt.  If you are a friend or a coworker, continue to check-in with the survivors you know, especially once the chemo is done.  They still need and will appreciate your support on this long journey.

Cari leveraged her experience, bringing light to the darkness by launching Karma Candles where she sells jewelry, home fragrances, gift boxes and cozy apparel.  The brand empowers, encourages and inspires women.

COVID, Leadership, and Reducing Stigma: an interview with Arwen-Widmer-Bobyk

Arwen Widmer-Bobyk

Today, I talk about leadership and COVID with Arwen Widmer-Bobyk:  how the virus gives us a chance to model a different openness and acceptance-without-judgment and how throw-away comments can trigger cycles of shame and judgment. 

Her story is one of poor responses, missing email links, uncertainty, and ill-considered comfort.  Yet, through it all, Arwen has seen the diagnosis as a tremendous leadership opportunity, to model a different way of engaging the virus.  Her perspective has take-aways for leaders everywhere.

 Here's a teaser:  when someone tells you that they just tested positive for COVID, make sure that your first question isn’t, “Where did you get it?”

You can find the Handle with Care: Empathy at Work podcast on Apple Podcasts, Google Play and Spotify. And you can listen to the episode here:

Here are three key take-aways from my conversation with Arwen…

1. Leaders, consider the unintended consequences of your policy about confidentiality in COVID cases.  There can be many good and important reasons to protect privacy, but what are you inadvertently communicating with the shroud of secrecy?  What are ways that you as a leader can be proactive in dismantling stigma around COVID?  For Arwen, this was sharing the news of her own diagnosis.  What steps will you take?

2. Go gently with people who have gotten sick.  Remember that you always know only a portion of someone’s story.  Arwen was coping with concerns about having to leave the country, worries about her daughter’s health conditions, and a number of large projects that needed her attention…all of this on top of her COVID diagnosis.  The moms who sent frantic, shaming emails had no idea of this cascade of pressures. 

3. When you hear that someone has gotten COVID, do not let your first response be “Where did you get it?”  Most of the time, people do not know.  But on a deeper level, this shows a self-interested posture that fails to truly pay attention to the person who is sick.  Instead, try something like, “I am so sorry.  Can I send you a DoorDash or GrubHub gift certificate?

Arwen and family

Hurting Yet Whole: Liuan Huska on living with chronic pain

Liuan Huska, author of “Hurting Yet Whole: Reconciling Body and Spirit in Chronic Pain and Illness”

2020 finds us all living within circumstances that we can’t change.  For some of us, this vulnerable posture is new and uncomfortable.  Others are used to waiting.

Liuan Huska lives with chronic pain.  She is a speaker, the author of a just-released book, Hurting Yet Whole:  Reconciling Body and Spirit in Chronic Pain and Illness, and my guest on the Handle with Care podcast.

Our conversation is deeply textured, touching on the intersectionality (Liuan is Chinese-American), the dangers of productivity-first thinking, and why weakness invites us deeper into our shared humanity. 

If you are living in the messy middle or know someone that is, this episode is for you. 

You can find the Handle with Care: Empathy at Work podcast on Google Play, Apple Podcasts, and Spotify. And you can listen to the episode here…

This conversation with Liuan sparked so many points of interest for me, and I hope that you do check out her book in the link below.  And here are three key-takeaways to consider:

1. Do you consider someone who is living with pain, whether that is physical or psychological emotional pain, as a problem to be fixed?  How does this Fix-It Frank mentality limit your interactions with them?  What does it look like to consider them as individuals that actually have something deeply meaningful to contribute to the collective life of a community?

2. Physical presence, just being able to sit and be with someone in their hurt, is incredibly powerful.  And this can be hard, because we live in a society prizes happiness and success AND we often feel the need to fix grief. Liuan spoke of the power of her husband just being with her, bearing witness to her emotions instead of moving away.  How can you show up like this for people that are hurting in your own life?  In your work setting?

3. Are you promoting a white-knuckle culture within your workplace or family?  Liuan wrestled with this type-A drive.  And if I am honest, this is a take-away point that is totally for me.  I can really prize pushing through and doing hard things.  How can this lead you (and others) to ignore the needs of the body as you constantly prioritize productivity over rest?

Working While Black, Part 2: To Be Us Productions

Screen test

This is Part 2 of an important and timely conversation on what it is to live and work in a world where whiteness is supreme. 

Tosca Davis and Cedrick Smith speak about their award-winning documentary (To Be Us:  To Work), the long shadow of American racism, why it is infuriating to hear people admonish them to just “pull yourself up by your bootstraps”, and why we all need to get comfortable embracing our limited perspectives in order to grow.   

You can find the Handle with Care: Empathy at Work podcast on Google Play, Apple Podcasts, and Spotify. And you can listen the episode here:

Here are three key take-aways from this second part of my conversation with Tosca Davis and Cedrick Smith.

1. For my White listeners, we must begin by asking better questions and open ourselves up to different perspectives.  Did you struggle listening to some of the labels?  I know that I still do, there is a part of me that wants to defend myself and say, “No, not me!”.  But I really like and appreciate the labels that Cedric and Tosca encourage us to embrace (and use for themselves) is that they use them to signal of the need for vigilance, NOT as a marker for shame.  Because shame always has been and always will be a crappy, crappy motivator.  This is not about taking on a label as the totality of all that you are, but using them to signal of aspects of privilege that you and I will need to be constantly unlearning.

2. The unlearning is made up of small and large gestures, letting someone else’s name be placed before yours, giving up power, contributing money to Black women (you can find notes of Tosca’s recommendations in the show notes).  Where are you doing this (or not doing this) in your personal life?  In your business?  And realize that this is particularly hard in a strongly individualistic society like our own.  For White Americans, we want to assume that we are entirely self-made and unbound by wider structures.

3. Realize that compassion fatigue is real.  To make a meaningful difference, you have to be committed to the work of equity and justice for the long haul.  When you start to feel exhausted, take time to step back, do something that refreshes you or makes you laugh, and then return to the good work of making the world a more beautiful place where everyone can flourish. 

Poster for film

Working While Black: Part 1, To Be Us Productions

This is the first in a two-part series about the challenge of working in a world where whiteness is supreme.  And if you don’t know what that means, if that previous sentence put your teeth on edge, then this episode is probably one that you especially need to hear.

My guests are Tosca Davis and Cedrick Smith, two Black social justice activists, workers and, most recently, filmmakers.  Their film, To Be Us, is making the film festival circuit, receiving accolades for telling the stories of Black professionals whose primary disruptive life event is living and working in a world that does not value divergence from the norm of whiteness.  The question that they ask all of their interviewees is, “What is your working while black story.”

I am giving it two episodes not because it is easy listening, but because it is essential listening.  I’ve seen the film; it is both powerful and necessary and I am eager to be a part of exploring the themes in our next two episodes. 

You can find the Handle with Care Podcast on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, and Spotify. And you can listen to the Working While Black episode here…

To Be Us: To Work, Movie Poster

Here are three key takeaways from my conversation with Cedrick and Tosca…

1. There is power to just listening to someone’s story.  That is what empathy is all about, giving another person’s story weight and space.  The stories that Cedrick and Tosca are telling are not what I daily experience in the workplace of America.  Which means that it is even more important that I listen carefully, without judgment and “what-abouts?” and second guessing.  If you are White, be aware of what was going on in you as a listener.  What sort of responses or defensive postures were coming out in you?  Full disclosure, they were happening in me too.  This is because we don’t like to hear that the world is not how we want it to be.  The next question, for me and for other White listeners, is to ask where these messages might originate from?

2. The marginalization of Black Americans is not a one-off that just happens every now and then.  As I listen to Cedrick and Tosca and the many, many participants in the To Be Us documentary, I hear how much of their life experience has been marked by the long shadow of normative whiteness.  The pain is deep and real.  And, as I mentioned in the interview, if you are White, you have contributed to the problem.  I have been dismissive of Kwanzaa.  I remember dancing with a really handsome Black boy at a party and asking him, “So, you must be good at football.  Aren’t all of you good at football?”  These micro-aggressions create a cumulative weight.

3. If you are Black and listening to this episode, I hope that there is a heightened sense of community.  One of Cedrick and Tosca’s aims is to let Black people know that they are not alone and that they are not crazy.  Their film captures this ethos powerfully and I look forward to sharing more of it with you next week in Part 2 of this series on Working While Black.

Tosca Davis and Dr. Cedrick Smith