Not to be a bummer, but October is the month where we remember dead babies
October is falling leaves, hayrides, and seasonal lattes. And it is also pregnancy and infant loss awareness month.
Which feels like such a mouthful and a conundrum all at once.
After all, parents like me (those with dead babies) are never unaware of the loss. There aren't days/weeks that go by that I fall asleep to the awful reality that I laid a child in the ground.
No, a month like this is for everyone else - the one's who (thankfully) haven't had to deliver a dead baby or grind up against the often un-witnessed pain of an early miscarriage.
A month after Mercy Joan died, I went to Grand Rounds at St. Vincent's Hospital. Hers was a complicated case, with a constellation of caregivers. The doctors/staff were reviewing her care in a learning environment.
I remember leaving that room and thinking, "This is the last group of people that is going to know me, first and foremost, as Mercy's mother. I am going to spend the rest of my life wishing that more people knew that I was her mom."
1 in 4
As many as 1 of every 4 women experience a miscarriage or infant loss - which means it is already affecting your workplace.
“It felt like a silent scream. I was just screaming and screaming on the inside but no one could see me or hear me.” - a working mother told me, just a few weeks after her miscarriage
What can you do?
Here are some suggestions/best practices for you to support that friend, colleague or client that is going through loss.
Or, if you don't know someone who is presently going through this loss, to proactively prepare. Because the numbers indicate that someone that you know, at some point, with will encounter this sadness.
1). Take a look at your policies. Some workplaces give six weeks off for a live birth but only three days for a miscarriage or infant loss.
Are your policies designed to accommodate the complicated process of bodily healing and mourning that accompanies loss? If not, it's time for a revision.
Check our our friends at Bereave, who've developed a great platform to help you elevate your policies and practices
2). Don't forget the fathers. After our daughter died, there were people who reached out to me with a lot of care.
Luke (my husband) had very, very few people who reached out to him. "I just wish that someone realized that this is hard for dads too".
3). Don't default into silence. People are often afraid of saying something that will make things worse or bring up painful memories. Trust me, a parent of a dead child is already thinking about their child.
"I wish I could have known him/her"
"This is so, so sad."
"I hate this for you"
"I don't even know what to say right now, but I just want to let you know that I care"
4). Plan for meaningful dates on the calendar. Drop a note into your calendar for Thanksgiving, Christmas, Mothers and/or Fathers Day. These are all days that will loom large on the calendar of a grieving parent.
As the day approaches, send them an email or a text. It doesn't have to be fancy - "I'm thinking of you today - I imagine it must be hard."
5). Send a card or a gift or a meal. One of the biggest fears that people have, when they are living through something hard, is that they will be totally alone in their grief. Tangible gestures go a long way.
Some of my favorite cards are from Em & Friends.
Podcasts for Infant & Pregnancy Loss
I've interviewed some vulnerable, wise guests on the Handle w/ Care podcast who talk about miscarriage and infant loss. Their episodes are linked below.
1). Everything Fell Apart: Cancer, Miscarriage, Divorce, and Infant Loss.An Interview with Molly Huffman
2). Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Post-Traumatic Growth. An interview with Rachel Pritz
3). What about the father? Matt & Jenny Kistler share on miscarriage, disappointment & stillbirth
4). Mercy died, Moses needs surgery: my personal journey with grief. My story.