No one would help - lessons from a viral TikTok experiment

Empathy Lessons from TikTok
What do we do when our values are stress-tested?

Nikalie Monroe is going viral this month as a result of a TikTok experimentthat she launched at the end of October.

Monroe, who is from Kentucky, began phoning churches and other religious institutions, asking for formula to feed her baby.  

The baby is fictional - but Monroe plays a track of a wailing infant in the background.

When the call is answered, Monroe begins her ask:  “I’m calling your church to see if they would help feed a starving baby.”

She goes on to ask for a small tin of formula.  

Monroe called more than 40 places of worship.  Of that number, 9 indicated they would help while 33 turned her away.

Moments that matter
As the experiment unfolded online, donations flooded in to the food pantries and ministries of places that made an effort to help - an Appalachian pastor, called the "Appalachian Grandpa", was especially popular.

When Monroe called the Appalachian Grandpa, he told her about his own grandchildren and even asked what flavor of formula he could get for her.

Meanwhile, the places that refused care (or just hung up!) have faced fierce criticism online.  

And, I get it.  This is a media stunt, of sorts, and it can feel unfair to get called out on account of the response of one person, who is then made into a representative of the entire group/brand.

But it does highlight something true about empathy, something that I see again and again with the clients and the individuals that I work with:  the chance to practice care (or not!) comes in moments that you don't expect.  

We'd like to imagine that the moment to practice care would come on a Tuesday morning, where you've had three meetings cancel, a hot yoga session, and a green smoothie in hand.  You feel a zen-like calm and presence when someone comes into your office with a need or a heartache - ready to respond.

The reality is that moments to care almost never arrive like this.  They come on a Thursday afternoon where you've been slammed all day and are late for a meeting and that tender human moment of interaction arrives.

In the case of this TikTok experiment, it comes on an unsuspecting morning over the general phone line.

But these are the interactions where our values are revealed.

What to do?
So, what can you do to reduce the chances of missing moments that matter?

First, set your intentions at the start of the day.  There are all kinds of goals to orient around at the start of the day:  to-do's, emails that need to be written etc.  I include this thought/prayer/intention at the start of my day, while sipping my coffee:  "Help me not to miss what is most important today."  Implicit in this prayer/intention is a willingness to be interrupted or derailed.

Second, ditch the multitasking.  I know, I know.  I love efficiency as much as the next person.  But multitasking degrades our capacity to focus and conveys to the people around us that there is something better or different that we would rather be doing.  Sometimes, multitasking is necessary.  Often, it is not.  When you give someone your full attention, it is much harder to treat them as a passing inconvenience.

Third, are your policies/procedures getting in the way of showing care?  I worked with a healthcare group that compensated physicians primarily on how many patient interactions they could squeeze into an hour, creating an incentive to rush through patient interactions and brush off questions.  Unsurprisingly, patient satisfaction rates took a nosedive.

What are your rewarding in your workplace?  Are you recognizing people who do a great job of being a good human towards clients and coworkers?  Are you consistently understaffed, causing managers to be stretched thin?

Maybe you lack training or procedures entirely around how to deal with disruptive life events (if so, let's talk - I'd love to help) or it is time for a refresh.

That is what one of the churches did, after they were negatively spotlighted by Monroe.  The following Sunday, the pastor took to the pulpit and told the congregation that they were reviewing and changing how calls like this were responded to, because this was not in line with who they wanted to be in the world.

Which is the final note/encouragement.  Each step in the right direction is a step in the right direction.

There are no perfect workplaces or bosses.  You will mess up, you will fall short of your best intentions.  But truly impactful companies and people own their shortcomings and move towards growth.