Making repairs in management & in life (or how I lost my temper with my son this morning)

He tried walking the dog, off-leash, again this morning...

And Roscoe took off sprinting into the neighborhood.

Which is unsurprising (Roscoe's done this a few times) - and, just yesterday, I told Magnus (age 15), in no uncertain terms, NOT to walk Roscoe off leash anymore.

So, when Magnus called me this morning, as I sipped my last tidbit of coffee, to tell me he was (again) chasing the dog and had (again) tried to walk him off-leash, I was instantly annoyed.

And I let him know it, berating him over the phone before angrily hopping into the minivan to help with the search.

We found the dog and Magnus made his mea culpa.

And, as things cooled down, I knew I needed to apologize too.

Yes - he was wrong to keep doing a thing that he knew caused problems (walking off leash).

But I'd also communicated something powerful with my blow-up - that, when he needed help, I was going to shout at him and make him feel small instead of showing up with care + help.

And those messages have ripple effects -

If he's scared that he will just be read the riot act when he messes up, he's not going to ask for my help, which might make situations more dangerous for him and will take a toll on our relationship.

The cost, at work
This happens at work too - as leaders, we *can* respond instinctually out of our exasperation, shutting people down and shaming them instead of helping.

Helping, in the moment, does not mean that we never address the behavior of the skill-deficit - it means that we, as leaders, are clear-eyed enough to know that, when someone's brain is in a moment of overwhelm, they aren't able to learn or absorb new information.

They are just trying to survive.

Hard conversations (and learning) can come later, after you get though the moment of need.

Pay attention to your body
Maybe you see yourself in this story - you know that, instead of being calm, collected, and helpful - you've amplified the drama and responded with big emotions.

How do you disrupt those cycles?

Well, I'm not perfect (as you just read) but I am fiercely committed to learning and growing so that I'm better for those that I work and live with.

And one of the things that helps me is cultivating more attention to my body.  

I know the signs of when I am going to tip into a tizzy - my breathing speeds up, I feel blood pounding into my head, and my shoulders tense.  

All signs that I am about to do something that I might regret.

When I feel those things happening in my body, it is a good cue - slow down, take a few deep breaths, emotionally downshift so you don't do something that you regret.

When you do mess up - make repairs
My goal is not to make a mess of interactions, but we all do, at some point.

And, in those moments, one of the best things that you can do is apologize and create intention/reflection on how you will do things differently in the future.

My repair with Magnus sounded like this -

"Magnus, I'm sorry that I shouted at you and responded with big anger when you needed help. I want to be someone that you can come to when you need help and I wasn't that person this morning. I am working on that."

What I'm reading + watching
 

1)  Taming Silicon Valley by Gary Marcus
The tagline to this book is - how we can ensure that AI works for us.  Marcus testified before Congress with Sam Altman last year and describes himself as an AI realist.  

His practical suggestions on the most unregulated industry in the world are prescient as businesses and individuals rush to embrace AI.  I find his work fascinating and my copy of his book is already heavily underlined.

2). Severance - TV series
This fascinating, sci-fi series explores the divide between our work selves and our home selves (or, in the parlance of the show, "innies" and "outies"). 

There is an ominous, quirky dimension to the show that will leave you entertained while asking some deep questions.