Write it down

You have to plan for empathy or else you are never going to live up to your good intentions.

My husband and I just got an on-the-fridge weekly planner. Because there are a dozen things to manage between sports and meal prep and grocery trips.

And think about it: you run your life and your calendar invites through your phone, because you know how easy it is to forget.

It is time that we put that same degree of intention towards caring for our people

So here is today’s tip:

Do you know someone who is going through a hard time? Put a reminder into your calendar to send them a text or give them a call next Wednesday.

Do you know someone who lost a parent this year? Go ahead and start a reminder for Mother or Father’s Day 2021 so you can send them a note.

We schedule what matters. And people matter. Write it down.

Call out competence at work

Call out competence at work, especially when your coworkers are going through hard times.

Because the divorce,
The diagnosis,
The partner’s job loss,
The children-always-working-from-home,
The grinding pressure of the relentless news headlines,

There is a cumulative effect to all this stress; it will leave your people feeling tired, overwhelmed, and insecure, wondering if they are even good at their jobs anymore.

This is where your encouragement matters. Commend someone for an insightful comment they made in a meeting or for a well-written email. Remind them that their presence matters and that their contributions are important.

We all need someone to believe in us when we can’t believe in ourselves.

"Let me know if I can help..."

Do you know someone going through a hard time?

Stop saying, “Just let me know if you need anything.”

It sounds good in the moment, but it puts a all the pressure onto the person who is going through a disruptive life event.

They probably don’t entirely know what they need.

And, what if they ask you something that you don’t want to give? (“Could you take out my dog on Tuesday?” But you hate dogs…)

And if forces THEM to follow-up with YOU.

Instead, take a moment to do an empathy self-inventory. How are you equipped to give support? Maybe you like buying gift certificates or you can take a task off their to-to list at work.

Next time, offer something specific. “I’m so sorry your husband is having surgery. Can I send you a gift certificate for next week?”

What are some of the specific ways that you can express care?

Stop Saying This!

Managers and HR Directors:

Stop saying "Take all the time you need..." to someone that is going through a disruptive life event.

Because you don't mean it.

And it introduces uncertainty about time horizons (could I take a year off if I needed to? Is a month too long?)

And it takes the onus off of you to follow-up

Instead, try this turn of phrase, "Take the next week (or month) off. Don't answer the phone or emails. I will follow-up with you (insert date here) to check in and see how you are doing.”

This provides clarity and gets a date on the calendar to make sure you are providing ongoing support.

Back to School 2020 is Hard!

Back to School, 2020 is a time of stress, shame, and second-guessing for parents.

No decision is perfect; there are logistical hurdles and tons of room for self-doubt.

If you are a parent with a school-age child, make space to acknowledge the feelings: the sadness, the loss of agency, the frustration.

And, if you are a manager or co-worker, ask the parents you know how they are doing...and then really listen.

HINT: DON'T make them rehash/defend all of their reasoning. Just listen and reply something like, "That sounds like a lot to figure out!" And (maybe) ask something like, "How is it going to you?"

Your care means a lot.

An artistic journey through COVID-19 emotions

My children have produced a lot of art during quarantine.

Sometimes it is hard to put words to a feeling. Art provides an invaluable window into the emotional world.

So here are a few of their creations: a window into the wide range of emotions you (might) be feeling right now.

What art piece do you identify with? I'm somewhere between "Open to new possibilities" and "You're still you" today...

Silent Sam is the worst

Don’t stay silent!

Your friends, your family, your co-workers: all around you, people are going through really hard times. When they share a story of loss or disruption, it can be hard to know what to do or how to respond.

So, we often default to silence.

“I don’t want to make it worse or say something stupid…”

But Silent Sam is the worst because we crave connection in our pain.

Instead of staying quiet, trapped by your discomfort, consider these tips:
-You don’t have to be perfect in your response, release yourself from the trap of perfection/making it all better
-Saying a heartfelt, “I am so sorry to hear that…” expresses emotional resonance and goes a long way
-If you don’t know what to say, lead with that, “I don’t even know what to say, but I care about you.”

Commiserating Candace: stop hijacking the story!

Stop hijacking the story!

“My grandpa was just hospitalized with COVID-19 and I’m really worried…” your friend/coworker confides.

If you instinctively respond with something like this, “My aunt got hospitalized with COVID-19 and she recovered; I’m sure he will be fine” you just hijacked the story.

When you immediately rush in with your own story, you become like Commiserating Candace, taking the attention off of the person sharing. There is a time for sharing your own story, but take time to truly listen (and empathize!) first.

Better responses:
- “I’m so sorry; that sounds scary.”
- “What a stressful time for you; I imagine cooking is the furthest thing from your mind. Can I send you a gift card to a local restaurant?”
- “Ugh! I have no idea what that is like but it sounds rough.”

Cheer-Up Cheryl: how to sit in uncomfortable moments

Positivity matters, but you don’t want to suddenly shift into Cheer-Up Cheryl mode when someone tells you something hard.

A focus on getting someone to look on the bright side makes you appear tone-deaf to pain…and forces the person sharing to either shut up or put on a cheerful front to make YOU feel better.

More than anything, someone that is going through pain wants to know that they are seen and heard, which means putting Cheer-Up Cheryl messaging to the side.

Sitting in uncomfortable moments is hard. Here are some tips to show care without forcing someone to be happy.

Helping can be hard

Interacting with a coworker that is sad or grieving can be hard.

What should you do? What can you say to “make it better”?

Here is the good news: you don’t have to make it better. Which is a big relief. Because you can’t fix the lagging economy or the stay at home order or the looming anxiety.

You don’t have to fix a person’s sadness.

When people are sharing their struggles/issues/frustration, what they want, most of all, is human connection.

Here are some things you can say to show that you are listening and that you care.

Ask Better Questions to Create Connection

Asking better questions creates connection (especially during social distancing!).

Not all check-ins are created equal.  Asking someone “How are you?” can elicit a cursory response like, “I’m OK; hanging in there…”

You will improve your level of connection by asking better questions.  Here are a few suggestions:

1)     What is keeping you up at night?

2)    What are you doing to take care of yourself?

3)    What has been a win for you? OR, What has given you joy lately?

And when someone answers, remember their response.  Then, the next time you connect, you can ask them about what is specific to them (“How are your kids doing with eLearning?” or “How is your grandmother doing in the nursing home?”)

What are some other good questions to help us go deeper with one another?

We are all making mistakes: the importance of apologizing

Have you been doing much apologizing lately? In the Mertes household, we have!

Owning our stuff, extending and receiving grace, and being vulnerable are all essential skills for making it through these stressful times.

Because none of us are on our “A” game, which means there is a LOT of opportunity to give (and take!) offense with family members or colleagues.

Plus, how a training potty makes for a good tripod stand and my exciting discovery of a missing Harry Potter book.

If this video helps you think about how to circle back, apologize, and extend grace during trying times, please share.

Tag some people who know about the importance of owning their stuff during conflict…

What to do with your frustration?

Feeling frustrated today? A little bit cooped up and stir crazy? Prone to blow-ups with your partner or children? Me too!!!

These are trying times…and they beg the question, what can you do with that frustration?

Finding constructive outlets for this angst is really important.

I share a few helpful tips…and some video insights from Moses, my five-year old, and his tactics for anger management.

What has been helping you as you manage frustration/setbacks?

Connecting with your grief: why it matters

You will not be able to lead with clarity, humanity, or purpose if you do not make space to connect with your OWN grief, anxiety, and sadness as a result of COVID-19.

And this can be really hard for high achievers. We are used to reframing setbacks as strategic pivots or adopting a “grin-and-bear-it” mentality.

This avoidance has an impact on your team. If you are always coaching yourself out of uncomfortable feelings, you will not have space for anyone else to express any weakness.

Cancelled speaking engagements, scrapped track seasons, fear for exposed family members…I share about my own reckoning with sadness and the danger of orphaned grief. I also share tips about how you can access (and accept) your own feelings of vulnerability.

Depression and COVID-19

Mental health conditions can and will become more pronounced during times of stress.

Do you have employees or friends that were already struggling with depression? If so, sudden adjustment with childcare, disruption of routine, and meta-level uncertainty about the future could only compound those struggles.

In the most recent episode of the Handle with Care podcast, Paul Ashley, CEBS of FirstPerson shared about his journey with depression.

Here are some key take-aways from our conversation
1) If someone confides in you about their depression, listen and resist the urge to say something that minimizes their disclosure.
2) Depression can take all different forms. A person that is often “on” in their job function can be absolutely exhausted at home.
3) If you know someone that is struggling with depression, regularly checking in with them can be really important.

For more recommendations on how to help those you know that are struggling with depression, listen here: 

FREQUENT Communication for Crisis

Why does Amazon send you a tracking number?

Because they know the importance of the final “F” of Crisis Communication: FREQUENCY

We want confirmation along each step of the way, especially if plans and delivery times have to change (as illustrated by Jemima’s missing llama).

This is because our brains crave closure; if we aren’t given reasons for why things are happening, we provide them ourselves.

Giving your employees frequent updates, especially in times of uncertainty, helps them to worry less.

Next week, on Care in a time of Coronavirus, we are going to be giving tips and stories about how give support when it matters most.

Tag someone who is leading with empathy in the comments and please share this video and help to expand the compassion during COVID-19

FACTUAL Communication for COVID-19

There is so much misinformation swirling.

This is true inside of your organization as well. People are scared and the rumor mill is churning.

Effective communication in a time of crisis has to be FACTUAL.

Whether you are an executive, a manager, or a regular-old-employee, we can all do our part to not spread fear.

Get ahead of rumors. Sign up for updates from reliable news sources.

Plus, reflections from my years as a stroke on the crew team and why we all need to think of ourselves as being at the front of the boat.

If this video has been helpful, please share…and TAG someone who is leading with FACTUAL, human communication.

FAST Communication for COVID-19

How can you communicate well in the midst of a crisis?

Today, I talk about the second “F” of effective communication: FAST

Your communication to internal and external stakeholders should be proactive and FAST.

Because things are changing rapidly. Maybe your employee just had a partner that got laid off. Now, he/she is fretting about the coming mortgage payment, distracted and unable to focus. And more disruption is coming.

Also, I share about how a black eye and preschool jitters taught me why it matters to really listen…

Human-centered communication at work has never been more important.

If you have a manager or a coworker that is showing this sort of empathetic communication, tag them in the comments section. Let’s highlight the people who are doing this well!

FLEXIBLE Communication Matters

My COVID-19 communication plan was a failure this morning.

And your communication plan will probably have short-comings too…because everything is changing so very quickly.

For the next few episodes, I will be sharing the 4 “Fs” of Communication in a time of Crisis (borrowed from Andy Gillam at CommCore).

FLEXIBILITY is the first value. Things will change; you WILL need to alter your plans. And that is why your commitment to communicating on a human level, truly being attuned to the needs of your people, especially matters.

The medium is also important (embrace video!). If your only communication has been a dry e-mail about washing your hands, it is time for an update and a human-centered approach…

Day 1 of COVID-19: how did it go?

How did Day 1 of remote work/COVID-19 feel?

Were you interrupted by hungry children? Frustrated by technology challenges?

For managers and HR leaders, it is so important to check in with your people. Do they have small children in the house? An elderly parent they are worried about? And when they answer, take time to really listen.

Leading with empathy is more important than ever in these times of uncertainty.

I will be sharing tips over the coming days on how to support your people when it matters most. What questions do you want answered? What has been important for your employees? Leave your reflections/questions in the comment section...