Called out by Coldplay - how we tolerate bad behavior at work

Last night's Coldplay concert in NY ended badly for a CEO and his head of HR. 

Between songs, the Jumbotron panned towards the entwined couple as they swayed to the music.

In the video, you see their instant looks of horror:  he takes a dive and she turns away, hiding her face.

Coldplay front-man Chris Martin offered commentary from on-stage, "Either they're having an affair or they're just very shy."

It seems to be option 1; both are married to other people.

The rapidly spreading story is made worse by the fact that the newly-appointed VP of People is also in the scene, laughing in the frame as her two, chagrined co-workers duck for cover.

Tolerating bad behavior
There are a number of take-aways from this story.

One - office romances often end badly and can never escape the reality of tilted, exploitative power-dynamics.

Two - optics matter and secrets don't stay secret for long.  How can HR be a truly unbiased arbiter/advocate when they are relationally compromised with the boss?

But I want to focus on a third aspect for today's newsletter, and that is how we all-too-often tolerate bad behavior.  

I'm thinking of that third person, the new VP of People, who is obviously at the concert with her erring senior HR leader, *probably* in on the secret by her presence and smile.

Our cultures aren't primarily defined by the slogans on the wall of the catch-phrases in the handbook, they are defined by what we tolerate.

Moving too fast for "that stuff"
What I find, again and again, in average companies, is that we are willing to tolerate a lot in order to get things done/meet deadlines.

Here are just a few stories I've heard in the past week.

-  "My boss never even stopped typing in the three years I talked to her at the company - I don't think she even looked at me once during any of our meetings"

-  "When I told my manager that my doctor told me to take some time off after my husband's death, he rolled his eyes and then proceeded to email me throughout my leave"

-  "My sales leader keeps posting really edgy, offensive, political memes in the Slack channel, but he's a top producer and no one is making him stop"

A recent study by MIT Sloan found that "toxic work cultures" were 10x's more predictive of whether an employee left than compensation.  

What can you do?
If you are in a leadership position, refuse to tolerate bad behavior.

Yes, their numbers might be through the roof, they might be a savant in Excel or dazzle shareholders, but bad behavior takes a toll, it communicates to the entire organization that your values/handbook don't apply equally to everyone.

Perhaps the person needs to go - or they need to receive some remedial training in how to play better with others.

Document the training that you provide, continue to measure outcomes/impact, and, if you don't see improvements, it's time to release them.

But what if you aren't the boss?
If you aren't the boss, here are some helpful steps

1). Record what you are seeing/observing.  Include time-stamps.  Resist the urge to ascribe motive, focus on behaviors and outcomes.

2). Seek clarification - "I notice that what is happening _______ is different than what is in the handbook.  Is there anything I'm missing?"

Or, "I know we are really committed to X value; how does this approach align with that?"

3). Confidentially consult a trusted friend, mentor, HR leader:  "What would be the best way to handle this?"

4). Protect yourself.  If the risk feels high, anonymity and documentation are even more important

5). Use formal reporting channels, as needed.  Sometimes, things need to move quickly.  Use your ethics hotline, anonymous reporting portals, or HR escalation processes when the stakes are high

Final note
When ethical lapses blow up on the big screen (literally!), it is easy to think that you'd never be that foolish/do something like that.

The reality is that we are all flawed people and stories like this should act as a reminder.  What are the ways where your public persona and your private actions are out of alignment?

What are the moments that you'd hate to see on a Jumbotron?

And what actionable steps can you take to be more of the person you want to be, at work and in life?