I passed a game of pick-up football yesterday. A bunch of boys playing. And as I walked past, one kid missed a tackle and was slow to get off the ground. "You're so gay! You're such a homo," his teammates taunted. Ugh. There is still so much work to do.

I took yesterday off. It was the ten-year anniversary of my daughter Mercy’s death. And I knew that I wouldn’t be present for a meeting or a training or a sales call. A decade of growth has taught me to make space for my grief. Make space in my body. Make space in my schedule. What I resist, persists.

“Remember” means to put together again. Each time you ask the name of someone who died, sit while their loved one tells a story…each time you recall an anniversary, send a card, or just say, “I’m carrying this sadness with you”, you are helping ease someone’s burden in some small way.

Imagination and curiosity are key to cultivating empathy...Magnus, my fifth grader, was in tears. He just returned to school after a COVID quarantine. On his way to Chess Club, another boy mocked him. “Disgusting! I don’t want to play with you. You’re the COVID kid!”

What a pleasure to spend my morning with the leadership team at Gregory & Appel for an Empathy at Work training session. Thanks to Jami Burdine for making this initiative happen! For the last year, I’ve worked with this painting by Magnus (age 11) as my backdrop. Sort of a Sesame-Street-meets-Edvard-Munch tableau. It captures the ethos of the age…the “What is happening?!?!” sentiment that seems to just keep manifesting itself in different situations.

My 11 year old tested positive for COVID two weeks ago. He’s been convalescing in the above-the-garage bedroom and the rest of us are making do. And here are a few observations on what support looks like during quarantine...

Four years ago today, Moses (my youngest son) underwent open-heart surgery.

Our community rose up around us with mighty care during those winter weeks. My heart is full as I remember the many friends and coworkers who

Delivered meals
Watched our other children
Waited with us in the hospital lounge
Brought coffee and cookies and brisket
Took photos
Ran errands
Prayed for/with us
Sent texts
Just listened
Cried with me

The echoes of their support go with me in every session I teach and each word that I write on the importance and impact of empathy.

"Human Skills are Power Skills (ditch term “soft” skills)"

"Collaboration, Creativity, Compassion, Empathy, Problem Solving, Resilience (these skills have become critical in the pandemic)". Quotes from Zabeen Hirji

Yes to all of this! These are the skills you need to help your people survive, stabilize, and thrive.

Who are some leaders you know that are excelling at this type of leadership?

Like the earth itself, we are laid bare, exposed by pandemic job losses, dead neighbors, festering racial prejudice, and a crumbling public discourse. Nowhere to hide.

And yet, there is a clarity of vision that can come in the barren seasons.

Helpful tips for what to say to someone going through hard times.

And a few statements to avoid...
1) “At least...” (Cheer-Up Cheryl)
2) Cliches
3) “You should...” (Fix-It Frank)
4) Interjecting your own story (Commiserating Candace)

"What is the ROI on empathy? I mean, it seems nice, but how does it affect my bottom line?" I hear this question in scoping meetings; should the company invest in empathy trainings? Does it really matter? The answer is yes! Check out the hard data points vis-a-vis empathy and healthcare in this engaging Freakonomics podcast.

People are bringing the trauma, the outrage, and the exhaustion of yesterday's breach of the Capitol into your morning meeting. It is not just business as usual. Here are some openers that meet the moment:
- "Yesterday was hard for me; I spent almost an hour doom-scrolling and I still feel angry. How are you holding up?"

We crave hope in the midst of so much uncertainty and mental health crises. This NY Times article describes hope as a "psychological stabilizer" and an "action-filled process".

He died of COVID yesterday afternoon. I haven’t seen him in years, but Bruce loomed large in the lives of people I love. How am I feeling today? Well…last night, I pulled out my hidden stash of Christmas chocolate and ate ALL of the remainder while watching loud Beyonce videos on my phone.

Stop using these phrases; they kill connection...

“Everything happens for a reason”

“They are better off now”

“It is always darkest before the dawn”

“Time heals all wounds”

“There are a lot of fish in the sea”

“Things could be worse”

Remember, this holiday season, you don’t need to make it better. Instead, try something like this…

“Ugh. That sounds like it was tough.”

“I don’t know what to say, but I want to let you know that I care and I’m sorry”

“Wow, tell me more about _____”

Claim your rest. December 21, the shortest day of the year, reminds us that the constant churn of productivity cannot be sustained. The earth invites you to rest with her today. Stop wearing your exhaustion like a badge of honor.

Leaders, let's celebrate the adequate. During the darkest seasons of my life, I felt like I was "not enough" in just about everything. I was just so weighed down with grief and stress: not the parent, not the partner, not the professional that I wanted to be. It meant so much when someone cheered on my small wins.

Mental health in men is declining at a rate that is on par with or exceeds that of women. The Mental Health Index recent report showed a risk of male depression up to 69%. Focus declined by 76%.

"6 Tips on How to Mourn Efficiently and Get Back to Work"
Just kidding. Mourning is not about efficiency. It is about honoring the love and the hope that you had for the person/dream/possibility that is not longer available.

I spent this afternoon with participants from 3 different countries, training North American Canadian missions on empathy as the foundation for meaningful DEI work. The conversation was rich and engaging; this work has never been more important.