You're not sad... And other, unhelpful things we say
/We are up in northern Wisconsin this week at my in-law's cabin, enjoying time away from the press-and-pull of normal rhythms.
From paddle-boarding to ATV rides to misty mornings fishing, it is always a marvelous time of adventure for my children especially.
Which means that it is hard when the day comes, inevitably, that it is time to leave.
A handful of years ago, my oldest daughter we especially sad to go. From downstairs, we heard the sounds of gasping sobs from her room. An auntie and I rushed up to check on her/help.
We entered the room with the same question, "What is wrong?"
She gasped her reply, "I am just so, so sad to be leaving!!!"
Both her auntie and I are helpers and we spoke at the same time:
I said, "Yes, it can be sad to say goodbye."
Auntie, "You're not sad"
How we show up
And it has me thinking about how we show up in those moments of overwhelm.
- "It's not that big of a deal"
- "You're not sad"
- "You're not over it by now?!?!"
And these statements can come from different motivations.
Maybe it is from a Cheer-Up Cheryl posture - you see that the other person is sad and you just want them to feel/be better.
Or, perhaps it is more of a Buck-Up Bobby move - there are things to be done and this sadness is going to get in the way (so just get over it!).
The best way to help
What research, best practices, and personal experience show, again and again, is that one of the best ways to get a person regulated/back to a stable place is not by telling them that they aren't sad or admonishing them to just get over their feelings.
Acknowledgment is powerful. People want to feel seen and heard. When our emotions are witnessed, it helps us to move to a different state in freedom instead of pushing down our feelings, pretending that they aren't there, or hiding from a place of shame.
This is especially relevant in the workplace, where we need people to accomplish tasks. It can feel like the best way to get a person back on task or up to speed is by short-circuiting their emotions (after all, those feelings can feel threatening or be messy).
A phrase that I use, often, is "it makes sense to me that you would feel that way."
But what about the work?
Now, I know that some of you are wondering, "but, what about the work that still needs to be done? What if we just get stuck forever in all of this feeling stuff?"
I find that, once you have validated the feeling and listened, a possible follow-up question is, "what is a good next step for you right now?"
This recenters the disrupted person and helps return them to their agency. They might not be able to control everything, but there are next steps that can help.