Sitting alone in the bathroom during lunch
/Seventh grade lunchtime was rough - I'd go through the line, waiting for my hot lunch. Passing the cashier, I'd face the dimly lit expanse of tables.
Where should I sit? It was a moment of overwhelm, every single time. I'd usually scoot into a table of girls that barely registered my presence and quietly eat my lunch.
A year earlier, the boy with the good hair hollered from a table of popular kids, "hey" and waved me over.
Did they want me? Me? To sit with them? I felt a surge of hope (and apprehension).
I edged closer. He was perched on top of the table, girls sitting nearby looked up at him with adoration, waiting on his every word.
"Do you even own a hairbrush?" he asked and the table erupted with laughter.
My hair was big - is big. This was me in middle school - earnest, tall, trying hard, and no, I didn't have a hairbrush.
I was mortified, mumbled some squeak of a reply, and scurried off to the furthest corner of the gym.
The memory felt singed onto my psyche over the next year.
Eventually, I kind of gave up on lunch. I'd eat my lunch quickly and then go to the bathroom, sit in a stall, and quietly pass time outside of the public eye until fifth period began.
Thankfully, my parents were paying attention. I switched schools at semester and, while my new school wasn't perfect, I found friends that helped me climb out of the yawning cavern of loneliness that I'd fallen into.
Loneliness at work
Loneliness isn't relegated to those awkward teenage years. The Cigna Group just released a report, Loneliness in America and some interesting stats stood out to me
52% of US workers report feeling lonely
These lonely workers are more likely to miss work, disengage while at work and/or leave their jobs altogether
36% of lonely workers are looking for new jobs (compared with 20% of non-lonely workers)
They are more likely to miss work (35% miss at least one day a month)
They are less engaged when they show up (42% report "presenteeism")
These findings from The Cigna Group dovetail with a report from the US Surgeon General that found that
Young people report the highest levels of loneliness (almost double that of older adults)
Social isolation carries equivalent health risks to smoking 15 cigarettes a day
Loneliness increases the risk of heart disease by 29%, stroke by 32%, dementia by 50%, and overall early death by 29%
Why does loneliness matter?
Your lonely employees are more likely to get sick, more likely to tune out, and more likely to leave your organization. This is a cost to both your hiring and your retention as well as to your health insurance premiums.
What can you do?
1) Checking in with your people matters.
And I don't mean just managing their to-do lists. How often are you talking, one-on-one, with your co-workers or direct reports? Are your conversations only about deliverables? Do you know anything about them outside of their job function?
While you can't demand that people share (there are all sorts of reasons for wanting to remain private at work), you can create the space to share and be generous with your own experiences.
The stoplight check-in is one of my favorite places to introduce more of these whole-life conversations:
"I'm feeling green today, I've really been enjoying these long summer evenings, hanging out with the family and playing yard games."
This lowers barriers and signals to people that it is OK to talk about life outside of work.
2). Remember milestones
Birthdays, new babies, the Lady Gaga concert your team lead was so excited to attend - ask about these events/milestones later. And, if you don't recall these sorts of things, make it a practice to keep a list of what is important to the people that you work with and then, occasionally, ask them about something or someone on the list. People want to feel seen and known at work.
3). Provide times to serve
Research shows that getting outside of yourself can help to combat loneliness. Some of my clients do Habitat for Humanity builds of fill backpacks for children in need at the start of the school year. Does your company provide times for people to come together and to serve? It could help with loneliness.
4). Model healthy habits
Here, I want to quote directly from The Cigna Group report because I feel like they say this really well:
While 20% of lonely workers who feel their employer supports a healthy work-life balance report high vitality, that proportion plummets to 2% when workers don’t perceive that support. Encourage employees to take time off and be respectful of their time away. In addition, talk with your team about how you prioritize work-life balance so they may feel inspired to do the same.
You can read The Cigna Group Report and the Surgeon General's Report in their entirety below.